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The Art of Asking Questions
Find Out How to Ask the Right Questions
Quite some time ago, I read in one of the books that people, who ask questions, run conversations, dialogues (e. g. negotiations, meetings, presentations …). And this is true. A question seems like a polite request directed to your partner, who usually doesn’t have a choice, but to answer it. Provided, the questions are skillfully formed.
What is a skillfully formed question?
In the first place it should be “diplomatic” enough, asked as naturally as possible, because otherwise it looks like a police investigation. And this disrupts the relationship balance, your partner will feel under attack and will cease to collaborate.
Most diplomatic are the so called indirect questions, for instance:
“I’m sorry, can I also ask you about …?” or “Would you mind telling me more about …?”These always sound far friendlier than direct questions:
“Can I ask you about …?” or “Can you tell me more about …?“And of course, we always prefer asking open to closed questions, which provide us with the information we need to proceed towards the goal. Compare for example:
“How can we extend the guarantee for this product?” and “Can you extend the guarantee for this product?”
The latter inevitably ends in a “yes” or “no” and if the answer is “no”, the discussion starts revolving around the “no reasons”, in other words you do not really communicate in the so called option frame, but the problem frame. You have assumed the outcome is a fixed slice of pie.
Whether in the first one, you address options, open possibilities of finding ways of how to do it and encourage your partner to start thinking about it. You communicate in the so called option frame.
Among open-ended questions, which in English all start with WH-question marks, the WHY question is less appropriate than others. It’s not forbidden as some might advise, only less appropriate. The reason is the same as explained previously. With too many “why” questions you do not address options, but problems. You make people justify themselves and their decisions and this is no springboard for a relationship, which is based on trust and leads to agreements.
Why not reframing “why” questions into “what” questions to discuss options:
“What are the reasons for not being able to do that?” is better than “Why can’t we do that?”
“What makes you say that?” is better than “Why are you saying this?”
